"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy." Proverbs 12:22
There is a “get to know you” game called Two Truths and a Lie. The premise, as an ice breaker, is to tell the group two things about yourself that are true and one that is a fabrication. This works best in situations where the group doesn’t know one another well. If you know one another well, it’s often difficult to detect the other’s lie, which is the whole point of the game.
Here is an example of Two Truths and a Lie for me, since the odds are, you don’t know me too well: 1. I was born in Alaska. 2. I have visited 19 of the 50 states. 3. I have two cats and a dog. Now it is your turn to determine which is the lie… If you guessed number three, you are correct. Now you’ve learned three things about me: I was born in Alaska. I have visited 19 states and I don’t have two cats and a dog. If we were in an icebreaker scenario, I would probably have the opportunity to share that I, in fact, have no cats and one dog. The subsequent effect of the game is that you get to know a few facts about each individual in the exercise as everyone takes turns sharing their truths and lies.
I have played this game countless times. And, honestly, I never really gave any thought to the “lying” portion of the game. But, when I do take time to think about it, the lie is the most taxing part of the game. Coming up with a realistic lie is often difficult. We can cherry-pick the truths, because there are so many, but the lie is challenging… in a game. In Two Truths and a Lie, our intention is to deceive for entertainment. We are secretly tickled when everyone at the staff meeting believes you have two cats instead of none. You convince yourself that you are an Academy Award level actor in your delivery of your lie. They believed you. You tricked them. You are the victor!
And, quite frankly, your audience (the other attendees of the staff meeting) are tickled, too. They’ve been duped. They bought into your charade. How absolutely clever you were...
On the other hand, it seems that in real life the lies come pretty easy: “I missed the meeting because I was sick”, “I’m late because traffic was bad.”, “The dog ate my homework”... Why is this? Why is lying so easy? I think it may be because truth can be ugly. Honestly, the truth can feel so vulnerable that a lie is the shield that we need to feel protected and safe. Truth can be awkward. It can hurt. It can sting.
For the past few years I have been meeting people... A lot of people... Strangers to me. We are thrust into situations that require extreme vulnerability from the get-go. These people are often already scarred emotionally. They are often on guard emotionally due to hurt and heartbreak. They are living out the idiom of “once bitten, twice shy”. To the wounded population, trust and vulnerability are akin to covering yourself in honey and then rolling around in a bee’s nest. Vulnerability and trust are something that are earned by years of faithfulness, if they can be earned at all.
When someone who has trust- and vulnerability-issues is thrust into a situation where trust and vulnerability are expected, one of two things happens: they clam-up or they lie. These are both defense mechanisms. The “clam-up” stops the flow of conversation which then stops connection, which hence stops the need for trust and vulnerability. No conversation, no connection, no vulnerability, no opportunity for hurt. This is a catch-22. The desire for connection causes the halt of communication, thus halting connection. It’s a vicious cycle.
The second option, to lie, is a boobytrap. The lie is the easy option as communication is not halted, connection is not hindered but it usurps the need for vulnerability and absolutely invalidates trust. This leads to a false sense of comfort to both parties...
It makes me think of an old folk tale I heard years ago. I don’t know the original author of the story but it has origins in Russia in the early 20th century. The story goes something like this:
There was once a frog and a scorpion. They sat together on the bank of a flowing river. The scorpion desperately needed to cross the river, and asked the frog for his help. The frog replied, “Oh, Mr. Scorpion, it is my nature to be helpful, but I am afraid that if I let you climb on my back to cross the river, you will sting me. Then I will drown and we will both surely die.” To this, the scorpion replied, “Oh, Mr. Frog, it is not in my best interest to sting you. If you allow me to ride across the river on your back, and I do as you say, I put us in equal danger. You will drown and we will both surely die.”
The frog saw the logic in this and decided to allow the scorpion to climb on his back and they began the treacherous journey across the river. When they had made it about half way across, the frog felt a terrible pain in his side and realized that the scorpion had in fact stung him. The frog began to lose feeling in his legs and the two began to sink. As they flailed in the water, the frog called out, “Oh, Mr. Scorpion, why is it that you would sting me when I was helping you to cross the river? Now it seems that we will both surely die.” As the water overtook the two, the frog heard the scorpion call out, “Oh, Mr. Frog, I could not help myself. It is just my nature.”
It was the scorpion’s nature, not only to sting, but to deceive. He wanted to get across the river, whatever the cost. And it seems the cost was his very own life.
Unfortunately, I think lying is in some people’s nature. I honestly believe that many don’t have interest in being dishonest. They have good intentions and want to make a connection with others, but the nature of vulnerability is such that their nature, the lying nature, is too strong to allow the potential for injury… Sparked by nature, the lying muscle engages.
When I was a kid, my parents used to say “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” It is so true. Deceit is a tangled web. Trying to connect the lies only ends in contradiction and confusion. Lying assumes the person being lied to is naïve and will not question or second guess the story.
I can’t count the times I’ve been lied to. And I can’t count the times I’ve silently tried to untangle the web of the liar. I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I always want to believe they are being honest. Not only am I confused by the lie, I am often confused by the purpose of the lie. Often there is little purpose, maybe only to make the liar look like something “more” than they are, something greater, kinder, smarter, more successful.
To me, we are so much more when we are honest.
I would rather be less great, kind, smart and successful and be an honest person, than to lie to gain whatever glory my lie facilitated. But I guess the nature of the liar is different from my nature. Just as the frog would never understand why the scorpion would sting him, causing their imminent death, I don’t understand the motivation of dishonesty.
The bible says “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.” in Exodus 20. It is one of the ten commandments. There are other accounts of lying in the Bible including the story of Ananias and Sepphira and let’s just say, it doesn’t end well for them.
I always enjoy looking at opposites, so another aspect of dishonesty is, of course, truth. And the Bible doesn’t mince words about the truth. Pretty simply put, the Christian church is based on the cornerstone of Jesus Christ being “the way, the truth and the life”. Period. Jesus is truth. His word, the Bible, is truth. If we are pursuing a life with Christ, we are pursuing a life of truth. We are pursuing truth.
It is hard. So hard. Little white lies are so easy and they don’t really hurt anybody (well... I don’t know about that). Vulnerability is hard. To be vulnerable is to expose your soft underbelly to a fierce predator. It is putting yourself out there to be hurt. And we all know that hurt sucks! We avoid it at all costs. Our instinct is to protect and preserve ourselves. Lies seem like an easy scapegoat to our potential injury. But lies are toxic. Lies can fester and turn. And an act that we assume will protect our psyche ends up destroying any trust that we build.
Vulnerability is essential. We cannot truly connect with one another if we are not vulnerable and honest. Games like Two Truths and a Lie are good, wholesome fun, but deceit is ugly and dangerous and potentially life altering. What an amazing world it would be if we were always able to be truthful. What an amazing world it would be if we could trust at face value and believe the words and actions of others were above board. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Unfortunately, we live in a bruised and broken world in which vulnerability is too high a price to pay… And unfortunately sometimes we can’t help ourselves, it’s just our nature.
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